Retreat - Part Four (Final)

SCENE ONE

Anyone – My name is Anyone. Anyone who is or isn’t but not someone however, anyone.

Peter – Who did you say you were?

Anyone – Anyone.

Peter – I must not be hearing you correctly; you mentioned something about being anyone.

Anyone – No, it’s just that my name is Anyone.

Peter – Well, one of my best friends is named Pookie. Glad to know you, Anyone.

Anyone – Just do me a favor and don’t ask if there’s anyone who...whatever, you know I’m a real busy man!

Peter – You don’t always have to volunteer if you don’t want to. You can just say no.

Linda – (Anyone’s wife) – My husband cannot say no.

Tom – I recall Peter having told the story about Loomis cutting his wife’s special plant down.

Anyone – Yes, you can see it coming and I can’t hide.

Bernard – Linda, when you say that your husband cannot say no...say no to what?

Linda – Anything! It’s either a zero or a ten with nothing in between and I’m sick of it!

Anyone – Well, I’m sick of you!

Linda – Why don’t you stuff it, buster!

Anyone – Why don’t you eat some more Krispy Kreme’s and get fatter!

Linda – I'm going to ...!!!

Elaine – Ok everyone, let’s take a break (pulls aside Peter) Peter, where did you get these two?

Walker – It's really not Peter’s fault, it’s just that we were sitting at the bar in Slaymore Tavern, which is Loomis and Dorie’s place, you know, the inn and restaurant.

Elaine – Please go on.

Walker – Peter and I were looking for more characters to be in our play, The Haunting of Haversford.

Elaine – I get it. Were they the only two people sitting at the bar?

Tom – No, I was there too. We hand-selected Anyone and Linda to be in our play.

Elaine – Why?

Peter – They need the money.

Elaine – O.K. I’ll have a talk with them both.

END OF SCENE ONE

SCENE TWO

(Back at St. Alban’s in Richmond)

Peter – What kind of vestry meeting is this?

Walker – This is not a vestry meeting. We’re just using the room that the vestry meets in.

Sara – This is also the room where we meet for Bible study on Wednesday and Sunday school an hour before our eleven o’clock service.

Tom – Can you bank on that?

Sara – That and everything else that’s going on here on Hermitage Road!

Peter – How does this sound for a newsletter: The Hermitage Road Rooster!

Bernard – So what’s our chant, “cock-a-doodle-doo”?

Peter – No, it would be more like, “ErrrraErrraErrrrrrr!!! (He flaps his arms like a chicken).

Marilyn – I think Rooster is out and maybe we take out Hermitage Road too.

Sara – St. Alban’s Parish News.

Bernard – Yes, our newspaper!

Tom – Like the old days when the milkman brought you milk in glass bottles and set the money on the front porch or by your door.

Sara – A newspaper, however it is exclusively online. It’s easier and there is very little production cost. I’m all for it.

Elaine – I know, you’re going to say that I popped in from out of nowhere...

Walker – You always do however, at the right time and the right place.

Elaine – I believe that I heard Sara mention the word, production, and that caught my attention. We do need a production team to work closely with the Director, and the playwright must accept overbearing rewrites in order to placate the diverse variety of the cast. And then there’s the cast. Who will be the casting director?

ALL – Anyone!

Anyone – I hope that you all will remember me. You know that my name is Anyone.

Anyone – I will accept the task of casting our players if and only if you all help me do it. It’s only because I am Anyone and not Somebody.

Father Thierry – Anyone, you are Somebody!

Anyone – It's hard to believe sometimes.

Father Thierry – I know it’s hard. It’s hard to be a Christian.

Marilyn – Father, I know that I heard someone from our parish say that, “We are God’s people in this world”. Who was that?

Father Thierry – Oh that...yes, I do remember when she said exactly that.

Marilyn – We do not need to mention names.

Father Thierry – No, Marilyn...There is no need to mention any names.

END OF SCENE TWO

SCENE THREE

(Supermarket)

Customer – Excuse me, where is the mustard?

Another Customer – It's on the mustard aisle.

Customer – Where is the mustard aisle?

Another Customer – Do you see that sign?

Customer – Thank you! I really do need to pay more attention.

Another Customer –Thank goodness there are no buses running inside this supermarket or you wouldn’t last very long.

Customer – It's that I’m having a triple critical day; I checked my biorhythms early this morning and it’s sorrowful!

Another Customer – You should never have left your house...on a triple critical!! I always stay in bed until the next day comes.

Customer – How do you feed yourself and go to the bathroom?

Another Customer – Carefully...Verry carefully, my friend. Got to go! ( Departs)

Elaine – Walker, did you write in this supermarket scene? How does this abstract piece of...whatever, tie into The Haunting of Haversford?

Walker – Both customers don’t know each other yet but they will at the end. They both go to Slaymore Tavern and have been frequenting for decades and know all the ghost stories but for some reason, each villager has not met the other’s acquaintance as of yet. Does that help with an unresolved subtext?

Elaine – I've always been clear that I am the director and you are the playwright.

Bernard – And now we have a Production Manager.

Peter – Big job, not sure if I’m the one to do it.

Tom – I or we, know who this person is because she is really the only one who could do it.

Marilyn – You mean, Sara.

Walker – Yes.

Bernard – No one knows this but Sara does all the online publicity for our parish.

Marilyn – Everybody knows that.

Peter – I even know it (laughs).

Walker – Elaine, we’ll start with Act One, scene one on stage in the woods of Haversford Castle Theatre presenting our play, The Haunting of Haversford, with the curtain opening with:

Bernard – (Playing the piano with Marilyn) Ladies and Gentlemen, The Haunting of Haversford is the name of our first play here at Haversford Castle Theatre, and act one begins solemnly with an old man sitting on a park bench in a city.

Old Man – (piano music starts light & infrequent) I am now an old man sitting on a park bench in the city just to see and study each and every soul and find out why or why not what they do is of any relevance to our forever God.

Bumb – Brother, I heard you say God.

Old Man – I did. Would you like to hear a ghost story?

Bumb – Can you buy me lunch and I’ll listen to anything you say.

Old Man – This may take a while. Here, take this twenty. I found it this morning and I didn’t know I even had it. It’s yours my friend!

Bumb – I did hear God! (Walks away).

Old Man – Well, maybe he would’ve liked my ghost story but it’s complicated in that so many different people have so much to do with the entanglement to bring about a fierce climax and a justified and delicious falling action. And a prayer at the end would be very nice too.

Policeman – Sir,

Old Man – Officer, what you just heard was a part in a play that I have been rehearsing.

Other Policeman – Well sir, would you help us out here and do it somewhere else...

Old Man – You mean, you want me to move.

Policeman – Ma'am, is this the gentleman you were talking about?

Fat Lady – Oh yes, I can tell by those dreadful eyes and that awful long and nasty raincoat he’s wearing and it’s not even raining!

Policeman – Sir, you’re going to have to come with us.

Old Man – What if I don’t wanna...

Other Policeman – Ohh, you wanna...

END OF SCENE THREE

SCENE FOUR

Elaine – Walker, where is the cast for the second scene?

Walker – Remember, you were going to talk to the married couple who need the money, and the old man on the park bench is in jail.

Peter – The couple is Anyone and Linda Barrington and Anyone is our casting director.

David – Linda has offered to be a page turner for me at the piano. I need someone to turn pages while I’m beating the heck out of the ivories during those intense drama scenes.

Bernard – What drama scenes?

Peter – That night when the horses tried to break out of their stalls...can someone tell me about that?

Peter – What's the difference between a church and a parish? Is it the same?

Walker – From what I have been taught, a parish is a church which is of some sort of denomination, in that a parish belongs to a greater group of churches and parish of that denomination is scheduled a parish because of its locality that no other church of that organization has its proximity.

Marilyn – It's that simple.

Dorie – You know that Loomis and I have an inn and a restaurant to run. We don’t quit work for the day until after the sun goes down and we have to get up before it comes up again.

Elaine – You guys are good. Go do what you have to do and we’ll call you for the next scene that you’re in.

Dorie – When might that be?

Elaine – God knows.

END OF SCENE FOUR

SCENE FIVE

Peter – We've been at Haversford Castle this time for what?

Bernard – It's been over six years since we did our first play in our Haversford Castle Theatre.

Walker – I do have to say that it’s been a terrific challenge to bring this baby to an end.

Marilyn – How many characters have we had so far?

Bernard – Well, when we found out that Loomis and Dorie had fanned the flames of the supposed Hauntings at Haversford Castle, I knew then that they had planned to buy Haversford cheap by spreading horrible rumors and gossip to drive down the marketability for sale by a desperate yet honorable Lord Haversford.

Peter – You mean Pookie.

Bernard – Yes, I mean Pookie.

Marilyn – But they didn’t get it, our church did and do you know why?

Father Thierry – The answer is God knew all along and all along we knew God and our belief and faith carried us to the end.

END OF SCENE FIVE

SCENE SIX

(Standing on stage before a packed audience)

Bernard – We are your hosts and we welcome you to our one hundredth production here at Haversford Castle Theatre.

Elaine – As director, our cast will introduce you to an unsolved mystery, which will be resolved by the third act. Our play tonight is entitled, “Annie, Don’t Get Your Gun”.

(Curtain opens)

Annie – Ok, where is it?

Sheriff – Where's what?

Annie – My gun?

Deputy – What Annie, Peter Gunn?

Annie – I'll gun you...you little nitwit! (Raises arm)

Sheriff – Now now Annie, Deputy Weasel didn’t really mean it that way, now come on Annie!

Annie – Where' my gun, I’ll get my gun and...

Angel – (dressed as an angel) You’ll get your gun and what, Annie?

Annie – I’ll use the stock of the rifle to stir brownie mix for the best brownies you’ll ever have!

Peter – I've had ‘em and that with a cup of coffee and you’re, well, I’m not going to say what I’d like to say...

Walker – That you’re in Heaven?

Peter – Something like that but no, not like you’re in Heaven.

Sheriff – Are you settled down enough now, Annie?

Annie – Yeah, but I might want to get my gun later.

Old Man (sitting in jail cell) When you do, please break me out. I’m innocent of all charges.

Sheriff – When Jim and Buster brought you in, you were pretty out of it.

Old Man – I told you over and over that I am an actor and I have to rehearse my lines over and over or I’ll forget them!

Sheriff – But not while you’re naked and singing on a city bus you’re not!

Old Man – The part called for a psycho and I was trying out different methods.

Deputy Weasel – Well, you’ll be trying our method for a while now.

END OF SCENE SIX

SCENE SEVEN

(Jail Break)

Tessie – Is there a sweet Deputy Weasel anywhere in this little place?

Sheriff – Tessie darling, I have told you before, no daughter of mine is calling this municipality a “little place” so stop it.

Deputy Weasel – Baby Doll, darlin’ (swaggers his head)

Tessie – Weazee, I just love you!

Sheriff – Now, you two just go outside for a bit and I’ll handle things inside for a while...no, I insist...get out of here.

Tessie – I guess we can take a hint...come on Weazee, let’s go look at those shoes I was telling you about.

Weazee – Paleeze...Sheriff Porquorr! I’ll just stay here and catch upon those reports...

Sheriff Porquorr – What reports?

Weazee – (as Tessie shows signs of catching on) The...the um (looks at Tessie)

Tessie – The reports, Deputy Weazee Weasel! It sure looks like you’re going to have a lot more time on your hands to do those reports now doesn’t it, Deputy Weazee Weasel! (Shows a pouty face)

Weazee – Women!

Tessie – Yes, Weazee, go right ahead and say it’s all women's fault. Like the time you were so drunk you not only couldn’t stand up but it was all I could do to keep you from rolling in your own vomit.

Weazee – Well, it’s a good thing we’re engaged so a little thing like that wouldn’t make any difference, would it?

Sheriff Porquorr – Why don’t you two go outside and have a little talk.

Tessie – I'm done and I’ve met someone else for whom I care more, Weasel Face!

Weazee – More than me, my little dumpling?

Barbara – You know, you’re pitiful...isn’t he pitiful. Just last night, your beloved fiancé tried his level best and I say level best because he was so wasted, it took me and an old lady on a cane to get Mr. Pitiful back onto his bar stool so he could finish trying to pick me up for the evening.

Sheriff Porquorr – Deputy Weasel, is any of this true because if it is...you’re going down, boy!

Weazee – (begins with a soft blubber) Bubbabubbabubbaboo and a wutacutashudadoo!

Tessie – Just shut up and go away, Weasel Face!

Sheriff – I'm going to have to ask you for your badge and your carried service weapons now, Deputy, as you are being released from duty pending trial, and you are being charged and held here for tomorrow's arraignment when the circuit court convenes.

Weazee – What's the charge, Sheriff?

Tessie – I believe that Sheriff Porquorr will now take both our statements so he can charge Deputy Weasel.

An Old Lady in a wheelchair – (raises her cane) Take him away and lock him up...he’s dangerous, man!

Sheriff – Deputy Porquorr Junior, please escort Deputy Weasel to cell number two and release the old man in cell one so that he can finish his play.

Barbara – I always wanted to play Hepburn’s part where she was the daughter of the chauffeur in that great film with William Holden.

Elaine – Instead, you are the daughter of the Stable Master, Dr. Paul Collins.

Barbara – So, I’m Barb Collins.

Elaine – No, you should always go by “Barbara”.

END OF SCENE SEVEN

SCENE EIGHT

Barbara – I remember that night of the midnight séance up at the castle Haversford. My father, Dr. Collins, had been stable master for over forty years when something terrible occurred at the main court stables that night. The main court stables are where Garrick serves under my father as the assistant stable master. When I first met Garrick, he had just gotten hired to work by cleaning the stalls, replenishing the hay, feed and water and most importantly, attention to the grooming for each day. Garrick remembers to this day what happened at the stables at midnight. Why don’t you tell ‘em, Sugarpie Darlin’...

Garrick – (assistant stable master) Barbara...

Barbara – Oh hi, how’s Debbie and you gettin’ along these days...should I ask?

Garrick – Can I help it if I’m just a handsome devil?

Barbara – Strike the word “handsome” and you’re probably on target, Gutlick!

Garrick – Saweetie...I didn’t do anything. I was minding my own business when she rammed her huge grocery cart into my backside...I almost collapsed into the cereal aisle.

Barbara – Jenny Jo saw the whole thing and that’s not what she said happened.

Peter – Maybe it was the pet care aisle...(raises both arms, looks at Garrick and mumbles),“just trying to help ya out, brother”.

Marilyn – Your help he doesn’t need.

Peter – Then I should take a rest but first I’d like to know if anyone wants to know what happened that night at the main stables down the hill that caused several horses to try to bust out of their stalls.

Garrick – We work 8 hour shifts a day, 5 days a week, and get paid a handsome salary, and each of us is given our own private barn suite with bath. We take our meals in the basement of the galley kitchen.

Marilyn – So that’s what that was. I remember I met you when Jamison gave me the grand tour.

Garrick –Yes Ma’am, it is a pleasure to serve the hosts of the manor.

Bernard – Walker, Elaine just gave me the nod to stay on track. Let’s finish this part about the horses bolting from their stalls.

Barbara – I’d like to tell it. I was there that night with Garrick. At least once a week I spend the night with Garrick in the main stables guestrooms. Don’t worry, there are 2 beds and we do use them each. But that night was different. There was a wolf howling way in the distance. It came in with the wind, and the wind was icy cold. After that I heard a clap of thunder that was also very distant and after that, there was a not so far streak of lightning almost overhead.

Garrick – Nelly, our lead horse, started turning her head and then the horses in the stalls across the way started raking the hay beneath their hoofs and then there was something that I had never heard before. There was a lot of screaming. There was something evil there. It took all 6 stable hands, me, Dr. Collins and Barbara to keep them in their stalls; and then two of us had to scramble between the other stalls for the remaining horses. They all were trying to kick out the barn.

Garrick – We managed by the Grace of God.

Marilyn – You were strong to your Faith.

Father Thierry – I'd like permission of our cast and our director to end Part Four, as it is testament to our belief that we do have Eternal Life.

Walker – I know that I asked you about this before, and you said that Satan, in the Garden of Eden, told Eve that surely she would not die, so it’s time to bring in Peter because no one really can nail it like Peter.

Bernard – Before we bring in Peter, I’d like to hear from our director.

Elaine – Just do it.

Peter – Sure, how does Satan know that everyone has Eternal Life? It’s because he was God’s most cherished Angel, but he wanted what God had for his own gratification and not the benefit of others. He did not care for anyone but himself for self-gain, and so he was thrown out of Heaven to Hell where he could tempt souls into sin and perdition because the rewards are immediate and lofty; however, the Devil steals your soul to pay what you never would want to if you had known so much before.

Father Thierry – It's all in the Lord’s Prayer: “Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy Kingdom come, thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Lead us not into Temptation but deliver us from Evil. For Thine is the Kingdom, the Power and the Glory Forever and Ever. Amen.”

END OF PART FOUR

END OF PLAY