
SCENE ONE
Bernard - This is a play about 5 members attending their biannual church conference in a haunted mansion in the mountains. Am I right?
Marilyn - Yes
Walker - How will this unfold?
Peter - We will know all this later.
Tom - Why later than now?
Bernard - Because now is not later and later is not now. The difference is an individual’s perception of reality. In other words, someone’s later could be another’s now.
Peter - How would you know?
Tom - You wouldn’t.
END OF SCENE ONE
SCENE TWO - ON THE WAY
Walker - How long has this drive been?
Peter - Too long!
Peter - I understand that this place we’re staying rivals a horror film I’m thinking about.
Tom - We saw that movie when we visited our kids; well, now, they’re in their mid to late 40’s.
Peter - The Haunting of Hill House with Rodney something!
Tom - That’s the film.
Bernard - That was pretty scary but a great movie.
Marilyn - Yes, I agree mostly. It was pretty frightful at times.
Peter - So this is where we’ll be staying for the entire conference?
Marilyn - A question for me is: How are the attendees informed that the church conference is being held in a haunted mansion? Of course, the weekend before Halloween...
Bernard - I heard that attendance was sold out.
END OF SCENE TWO
SCENE THREE - ARRIVAL AT HAVERSFORD
Bernard - Ladies and Gentlemen, we have just arrived at the gates of Haversford Inn!
Peter - Is someone going to open that enormous wrought iron gate?
Walker - Look! It’s moving!
Marilyn - It’s definitely opening for us.
Bernard - Now, around this bend of trees you should see the distant front porch lanterns at the end of the cobblestone breezeway.
Peter - Whoa! This is better...much better than I had imagined.
Marilyn - Why haven’t I seen some artist’s rendition of Haversford Inn before?
Bernard - I had read that Haversford Inn has been around for nearly 12 centuries and it’s probably the only known structure in the western hemisphere that has endured the same family to present day.
Bernard - To answer your question, through the centuries, the family discouraged any renditions to be made of their home.
Marilyn - I can certainly understand that.
Bernard - I would pull the Suburban up to the steps and we will disembark.
Marilyn - Grand!
Tom - Wait, there is someone coming from that door to the left of that tiny window.
Jamison (can be anyone) (English, Scottish, or Irish accent) - My name is Jamison and I am Head of Household. You may leave your keys with me, and I will show you to your rooms if you like. You may also leave your luggage outside your Suburban, and we will take care of your delivery with a luggage cart just behind our walk as we proceed to each of your rooms which are entirely ready.
Tom - Grand!
Walker - Well...
Bernard - Let’s follow this gentleman to our rooms and...
Jamison - Lord Haversford will greet you all on our way; rest assured you are here and your comfort is our consideration.
ALL - Thank you Jamison!
Jamison - You are most welcome.
END OF SCENE THREE
SCENE FOUR - DINNER
Lord Haversford - I as Lord Haversford welcome you as cherished guests of our Haversford Castle, and my encouragement is that you partake of the walking forest all around us as well as the healing mineral springs by the abbey chapel.
Marilyn - Lord Haversford...
Lord Haversford - (interrupts her) ...Please call me Pookie.
Peter - POOKIE?!?
Lord Haversford - Yes?
Peter - You like to be called Pookie?
Pookie - Why yes, you may address me as Lord Haversford if you like however I thought that I would extend the courtesy of shortening your address.
Tom - (clears his throat audibly)
Bernard - May we all address you, Lord Haversford, as Pookie?
Pookie - Why of course. Who likes soup?
Walker - I know we all enjoy soup.
Pookie - Jamison, you may serve dinner.
END OF SCENE FOUR
SCENE FIVE - IN THE PARLOR AFTER DINNER
Peter - Thank you, Jamison.
Jamison - Ma'am would you care for a sherry or cognac?
Marilyn - Could I have a cup of tea instead?
Jamison - I’ll fetch it from the kitchen.
Pookie - It’s good to have all of you here. Jamison will attend to your beverages and I’d like to share something with you.
Tom - What is it, Pookie?
Peter - You’re not hiding anything from us are you, Pookie?
Bernard - Well Pookie, it looks like no one is going to let you finish what you wanted to tell us.
Walker - Pookie, we are all ears!
Pookie - I have to sell Haversford Castle.
END OF SCENE FIVE
SCENE SIX - GHOST OF HAVERFORD CASTLE
Ghost (could be anyone) - You know, it’s hard to be a ghost. People just don’t get it. They think that when they die they rot...SURE! What do you know?
Peter - So oh, I guess this a seance.
Ghost - Can you hear me?
Peter - You’re no ghost.
Tom - How can you tell?
Bernard - There are no such things!
Marilyn - As ghosts?
Bernard - Ghosts from where, what? ...Baloney!
Walker - If it’s not from the Holy Spirit then it is not of our perception.
Peter - How do you know if it is indeed of the Holy Spirit?...Just asking folks...
Marilyn - It’s how I feel.
END OR SCENE SIX
SCENE SEVEN - BREAKFAST
Tom - This really is quite a buffet for breakfast.
Pookie - Well, you see, through the centuries our family tradition has always been quite formal in that the largest meal of the day would be the first one...namely, breakfast.
Bernard - If we could buy this place...
Tom - Exactly what I was thinking...
Marilyn - Me too.
Walker - Well my friend, what are your thoughts Peter?
Peter - Pookie, if you donate Haversford Inn to our church, you may not owe any taxes.
Pookie - Unbelievable! Even if I could sell, I would owe huge even after the sale on back taxes...It’s sad.
Peter - Not anymore. And you will have lifetime entirety in that you enjoy living here as you have been until you die. After that, ownership will transfer to our church.
Pookie - Where do I sign?
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